


what could've been

by mossymoon



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: F/M, First Love, Love Confessions, Regret, Rejection, angst ?? maybe, i don't rlly know what to tag this, mammon is not good w emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:33:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27381988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mossymoon/pseuds/mossymoon
Summary: mammon would be lying if he said he didn't have many regrets. he loved you, he loved you so much. but when you told him you felt the same way, he knew that the only correct answer wasn't the one he wanted to give.
Relationships: Main Character & Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Main Character/Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) & Reader, Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader
Comments: 11
Kudos: 68





	what could've been

**Author's Note:**

> sad mammon drabble i thought up, thank u to all my om readers for being so patient with me i promise there's more stuff coming soon (シ. .)シ speaking of, i'm working on a project that i'm hoping to have done by the end of this month, so pls stay tuned ! thank u again and pls enjoy (´･ᴗ･ ` )

it had been five years since he last saw you.

he thought about that memory every night before he went to bed, every day when he woke up in the morning-- that final kind smile you gave to him before you excused yourself to your bedroom. he could vividly picture every detail of that night, the way the air in his room smelled of dry leather and his cologne, how you shivered just a bit when the air conditioning turned on, how clammy his hands were as they wrung anxiously in his lap.

you had approached him earlier that day during lunch, tucking a note into the pocket of his jacket and scampering away into the crowd before he could ask any questions. it was one of those little papers from your stationary, the kind that had little stars on the border and glitter on the writing lines.

he'd teased you for it when you first got it, calling it girly and saying that it was far too decorative for such a dreary place like the academy. but he found the way you put so much care into making everything look pretty so endearing, with your mess of pens and highlighters always set out on your desk when it was time to do notes, or writing little letters to pass to him if you weren't allowed to speak during class. you had sealed it with a cute sticker, which made him all the more careful as he peeled the tiny paper open to read it's contents.

_i have something important to tell you. i'm coming to your room tonight after dinner._

something important? it made some sense, seeing as this was your last full day as an exchange student before you had to go home. he was surprised you managed to slip away from everyone long enough to give this to him. then again, he'd been finding himself putting distance between the two of you. he had grown too attached to you, too dependent on your presence for his livelihood. it killed him to not be around you while he watched all his brothers smother you with affection in his place, but he knew this was for the better. he didn't need to go dragging you down to his level just because of some dumb crush. he had plenty of crushes during his lifetime, they always went away eventually, and it shouldn't be any different with you. right?

he tried to tell himself that he was getting better at putting you out of his mind, but he was thinking about you and your message for the rest of the day, unable to focus on his last two classes for a reason other than boredom, hand always finding its way back into his pocket to touch the little slip of paper.

he was fidgeting all through dinner as well, unable to eat more than a few bites of his food before the ball of nervous tightened in his stomach. he let beel take care of the leftovers issue, an unusual but obviously welcome gesture that his younger brother didn't give a second thought as he rushed to his room and waited for you.

what could you want to tell him? was it good news? bad news? something that wasn't even as important as he was making it out to be? this wasn't right, you were leaving tomorrow and he was still going crazy thinking about you. he was failing miserable at his plan and it hadn't even started.

he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a soft knock on the door, throwing it open too fast and greeting you with a shaky "hello..!". you acknowledged him with a small nod and a smile, stepping into his room and having a seat on his couch. he hurried to sit next to you, unable to muster a expression to hide his nervous eagerness, eyes wide and gazing intently at you.

"so, ya had something' important to tell me?" he was confused when your face tinged pink at his inquiry. had he made you nervous too?

"yeah. i do." you didn't continue, leaving you both to sit in a tense silence that was lasting far too long for his liking.

"t-then out with it, alright? i've got stuff to do, y'know!"

there he went with his big mouth. he mentally smacked himself when he saw the frown tug briefly at your lips. he remembered how soft those lips felt when they brushed over his ear while you whispered to him, pressing against his when you kissed-- _why was he thinking about that now_?? he was feeling so all over the place, unable to stay focused on one thing for long enough before his mind clung onto the next passing thought. he felt like such an idiot.

"sorry.. just kind of nervous."

he kept quiet this time, not wanting to have another one of his moronic outbursts. sometimes the words just spilled out of his mouth without him even noticing.

"well, i just wanted to say that you've made my time here really special." you paused to take a deep breath, he was already hanging onto your every word. he couldn't sit still, alternating between tapping his heel or twisting his fingers in his lap.

"when i came at first, we didn't have the most amazing start, but that was okay. you still looked out for me and made sure i stayed safe, even if it was inconvenient at times. you warmed up to me the fastest, you were the most patient with me, you've cared for me so unconditionally despite everything that has happened, and i'm really, really thankful for that. i can't imagine i would've made it this far without your help, i probably wouldn't have even survived my first day had it not been for you.. i guess what i'm trying to say is... i love you. i love you more than anyone. and i want to stay here, with you, or at least come back from the human world as soon as i can to be with you again."

mammon could feel all the air leave his body in one single breath, heart racing like it never had ever before. his face felt so hot, bottom lip quivering before he pressed his mouth into a firm line, hands wringing to expel all the nervous energy that was penning up inside him since you'd entered the room.

you loved him. you loved _him_? but how? he was scummy. he was greedy. he was annoying. he wasn't worth anything, he wasn't deserving of something so great as your love; how could you love him? you knew him, you knew how he behaved, you knew how everyone around him rolled their eyes at him constantly, how he'd been given the label as the family disappointment. so why, why in the world did you ever think he was worthy of you? worthy of anything?

a part of him wanted to believe that this was a joke, that you would laugh at him if he dared to tell you everything about how he felt and told him this was your final prank before you had to leave him. but it couldn't be, you weren't like that, and even if you were, the look on your face now was so earnest.. so beautifully warm and inviting.

he just wanted to take you in his arms forever, to tell you how much he loved you too and how he wanted to spend all of eternity with you by his side. he knew he'd loved you since the day you first comforted him about his brothers making fun of him, you were always so gentle and kind and loving even when he had nothing to offer you in return but his thanks.

but...

it would be wrong of him to say yes. it would be wrong of him to subject you to his antics because he was selfish. he always ended up doing the wrong thing, he messed things up so often that it wasn't even worth counting his efforts from how fast they piled up. maybe it would work out at the beginning, maybe you would both be so happy that you could forget about the complicated details and let the smaller mistakes slide, but in time, he knew he would end up ruining things, and ruining you. it was just within his nature.

when he came into possession of valuable things, he could never hold onto them for long, he always ended up tarnishing them or selling them off in a haze of greed. greed. he was too greedy to hold something so precious. you were a priceless gem that he would end up shattering. but it was so hard to look you in the eyes and let those words spill out of him, it was so hard to deny that face he'd fallen in love with and memorized after all the time he'd spent gazing at you when you weren't looking.

"i'm sorry. i wasn't lookin' for anything like that with ya." he could feel the tears burning his eyes already, a lump beginning to form in his throat as he tried to steady his expression, "please, just.. go back up to the human world tomorrow. find someone else."

he couldn't read the various emotions that flickered across your face, but he could see it in your eyes, shining so terribly bright up at him. you were heartbroken. the air conditioning shuddered to life somewhere above the two of you, sending a cool breeze blowing through the room. you shivered, a kind but sad smile drawing across your lips.

"okay. thank you, mammon. i'm gonna get to bed now. see you in the morning."

you stood without another word, quickly making your way out the door and shutting it quietly behind you. he let himself cry after you left. he cried all night actually, replaying the situation over and over in his head as he stayed up into the early hours of the morning.

how elated would you have looked if he said yes? would you have hugged him? kissed him? maybe even spent your last night sleeping in his arms, just as he'd been dreaming about for the longest time? he kept repeating to himself over and over that this was for the best, that it would eventually be better, but he felt as if a piece of his heart had been torn from his chest, leaving only an empty, aching chasm that couldn't be filled with anything but you.

he didn't come to see you off, he ignored the frantic knocks of his brothers at his door and hid in bed until lucifer came to scold him. he knew that if he saw you again after that conversation, he would end up taking everything back, he would give in to that insatiable greed that kept him running back to spend time with you every chance he got and tell you the truth.

lucifer was cruel to him during his lecture, insulting his character and values and not pulling any verbal punches as he always did, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as the knowledge that you were long gone, and that you wouldn't be coming back any time soon, if ever. in the coming days, he could hear his brothers arguing about who got the next phone call with you, bragging to the other about the things you had discussed and the plans you'd made for the future.

he never made an attempt to call you, and you didn't call him. his heart broke all over again any time someone mentioned you or said your name, and no matter how much he tried to escape that suffocating sense of loss, it always found its way back into his mind. days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and his feelings never changed. every morning he woke up ready to get dressed and walk with you to school, but he had to remind himself that you weren't there every time. the most insignificant things made him thinking of you, anywhere he looked he found something that reminded him of some random memory the two of you shared or something you'd absentmindedly mentioned to him during your many conversations.

eventually, the talk of you around the house dwindled to a tolerable minimum, you didn't seem to call as often as you used to. he wondered how you were doing, if you had made good on his word and found someone else, but he was sure at the rate things were going, he wouldn't see you within your lifetime again.

he was under that same impression when he took a visit up to the human world, summoned by a witch to do her bidding as he'd become accustomed to doing. there wasn't much work for him to do, and he didn't feel any sort of urgency to return to the devildom, so he decided to enjoy the sunlight for a bit and walk around some.

that day had been a good day. he had awoken without the expectation for you to be there, no dreams that left him in a cold sweat--both of which had thankfully dwindled over the years--and minimal thoughts of you besides the obvious reminder that you were somewhere in the human world. he was enjoying himself, walking around this busy city, feeling carefree without the presence of responsibility looming over his shoulder. looking around at the tall buildings and cramped streets, he remembered how you'd described the place you lived while you were down on your exchange course. it was something similar to this, bright and bustling and stuffy, as you'd affectionately detailed.

the thought had nearly slipped his mind when he stopped at a crowded crosswalk, in the center of a large group waiting for the signal to walk. he absentmindedly let his gaze flicker over the people around him, just out of the boredom of not moving anywhere and not having good enough service on his ddd to play with it. he wasn't searching for anything in particular, but his wandering gaze froze when he saw it.

your hair was different, and the way you dressed had changed, but your face was instantly recognizable even from his place behind you. there was no doubt in his mind that it was you.

his heart leapt into his throat, an anxious wave washing over him as he took in your image. he couldn't help but push his way through the crowd to get just a bit closer to you, just so he could get a better look. he didn't have to close the distance much to see that it wasn't just you there.

there was a child beside you, her small hand extended up to hold yours as she leaned into your leg. her hair looked exactly like yours, and she had your eyes and nose, practically identical to you in every way. he could feel that ache echoing deep in his chest, his eyes settling on the hand that was holding onto your child's. there was a ring on your finger.

he couldn't stop the tears from welling in his eyes, throat tightening as he stared and stared at you. he couldn't tear his gaze away, heart threatening to burst with how fast it was racing. you looked so happy, so complete standing on the street corner on that sunny afternoon with your child, probably on your way back home to see the person you'd fallen in love with and married in all that time you and him had been apart.

the streetlights turned red, and the walk sign lit up on the indicator, everyone in the crowd beginning to walk across the crosswalk, and eventually you began to walk too, scooping the child on the ground into your arms and starting to get farther and farther away with each passing moment.

he couldn't bring himself to move, unable to take even a single step. you eventually disappeared entirely into the crowd, gone just as quickly as he'd found you. still, he let you go, let you walk out of his life for the second time, because he knew it was for the better.

but even as he made his way back to his own realm, walking alone on silent avenue, he couldn't help but wonder about if that life could've been his to share with you, about what could've been if he'd only said yes.


End file.
